When was the last time you tried to be subtle? Can’t remember. Or tried to blend in with the crowd? Not likely. How about turn your conscious self off and become someone completely different? In an age of accountability, Lauren De’Ath personally dons the trench and dark glasses and goes undercover to decipher the undecipherable- the world of espionage.
In a world where we are all accessible via a mere click of a button or at the end of a phoneline, ambiguity could prove immensely liberating, I figure. My pre-teen memories are dominated by a little-known BBC try-spy programme, where average members of the public were sent to a secret MI6 camp (in a concealed booth just outside Liverpool Street Station) and put through their paces in a series of heart-stopping tests. Could Barbara go up to that stranger and manage to get an invite into their house? Would Darren ever be able to break into his son’s school and plant hidden cameras in his desk? They could melt impressively into the background like water, so fuelled by wannabe spy transparency, I began what I imagined was my own training programme... My mission, if I chose to accept it, was to trick even my own mother into believing I was someone else.
And so accepted and raring to go, my mission begins...
The lure of a career in secret intelligence is not just isolated to me. Many a childhood has been infiltrated by, at least on one occasion, the desire to go covert. Indeed there are few boys (and grown men for that matter) who have never yearned for the double-0 status, a gadget armoury to die for and of course the pick of beautiful women. And, conversely, what girl has never secretly wished she had the body of Ursula Andress and the ability to bed any man in ten languages? The spy lifestyle, no matter how perilous or lethal is one that has fired many an imagination. To date there have been over 175 movies on the subject, are some ninety-six spy fiction novelists alone, making it the second most published genre after romance and the illustrious James Bond tuxedo remains one of the most iconic costumes of all time.
Meanwhile, recent genre revamps, such as Horowitz’ ineffable Alex Rider and the BBC’s M.I. High, whilst cashing in on highly lucrative franchises, have introduced a whole new generation to the murky yet distinctly glamorous underbelly of espionage.
“Fictional spies appeal to our fantasy selves,” explains Professor James Chapman, a cultural historian of University of Leicester, who as well as being hooked on Bond since age eight, has written extensively on the subject. “Spies offer us an alternate identity, another self, who will of course be smarter, braver and sexier than our real selves. They therefore have something in common with the superhero, [but] of course “The Spy” is a more realistic fantasy.”
The creation of Spy Academy in Buckinghamshire by a mysterious unnamed former SAS offers a real life taste of the Bourne Identity. Associate Dave Newman, an experienced surveillance officer (and an alias name of all things) comments,” People hear of this very exciting lifestyle that takes them all over the world. There’s been a lot of books and cartoons released recently that have encouraged a lot of children to become interested. Of course, it sounds very glamorous so we take the exciting bits out of the surveillance industry and translated that into Spy Games.” In the first quarter of 2010 alone, they saw a “ballistic” two hundred percent increase in sales proving that being Bond means big money.
Back at the aptly named “Mission Mum”, my first port of call is to the MI6 website. The media section provides me with my first real-life spy simulation- I have to memorise a series of nondescript information about the altogether nondescript Stephanie Johnson who is travelling to a nondescript fictional country and then answer a series of questions. Of course, my interrogators throw in some red-herrings along the way: ‘What is the name of my third eldest brother?’ Pfft, amateurs. Stephanie only has two sisters.
The key to being a good spy lies in adaptability, resilience and an aptitude for critical thinking. Putting behind me the fact I got an E in my A Level Critical exam, I press onwards. “It’s all down to intelligence” explains Dave, who, as I spoke on the phone, was busy preparing a hostage recovery. “In a lot of what you do, the most important thing is often the weeks and weeks of pre-planning. Stake outs can last up to two or three weeks before you stop the target.” Being compromised is not an option. He continues: “Think smart, think covert and be prepared to change what you are doing very quickly.” Baring all of this in mind, I begin to pre-plan for Mission Mum. I contact my M, one Sophie Killingback for a full make-over. “I don’t want to look like myself,” I brief and armed with Mac make-up, off she goes. In just under an hour I am transformed and cannot help but wonder: is this how it works in the industry? Who out there on the streets of London is really themselves?
The world of MI6 and its domestic counterpart MI5 is one famously shrouded in secrecy and although answerable to government much of their work is still kept largely under wraps. Indeed, post 9/11 the UK’s secret service recruits are equal to that of the Cold War and rather against the Recessive grain, they are still employing. Whispers of the hiring process send shivers down my spine: a tap on the shoulder of an Oxbridge graduate; some Hooray Henry with a degree in a tropical language and they’re bags are packed, planes ready and off they go.
MI6’s online statement ominously tells me that they not only have ‘Operatives’ actively stationed around the UK, but on a global level also. The surprising openness of their online presence is in true spy style, I fear, misleading. Having come under fire in the past few years for gagging press over a number of “unspeakable” issues, including the controversial Extraordinary Rendition episodes and a supposed million dollar pay-off to their very own ‘Dr. No’, Osama Bin Laden, I can understand why the SIS would want to shake a very shady reputation.
“Oh, it was all boring!” says Denise Chisholm. Pardon? “We spent the whole day looking for files, putting them in envelopes and sticking pieces of paper on the front. It was of real importance regarding our countries’ security but it was mind numbing. When I realised that this was all there was to MI5, I had to get out.” Disheartened I press for stories of speedboat shoot-outs in the back streets of Venice, however it would seem the most exciting thing about a job at MI5, bar a bomb going off at The Hilton down the road, was the Secrecy Act she had to sign that required her name to be altered in this article. Even so, the incomprehensibility of British Intelligence continues to ring true: there is no contact telephone number, nor email address. Just a rough PO BOX number for letters to SE1.
It is the night before Mission Mum and my plans for a rendezvous at 1615 hours the next day have hit a spot of bother after a suspicious mother asks, “Why do you want meet anyway?” and forgetting 00Dave’s Number One tip- to think critically on your feet- I reply, “...It’s a secret.”
Changing identities is all down to the fine details. I opt for a plastic carrier rather than my black PVC holdall and remove day-to-day jewellery, but out in the real world my disguise has stumbled at the first hurdle- when even the guy in the canteen recognises me! “Is that your real hair? You were beautiful but now you are ugly.” Shaking off my past life is proving a challenge. When a man you rarely see recognises you, how do you trick your own mother? Back on the street, however, I am pleasantly surprised- people are ignoring me. I am incognito for the first ever. Blonde hair tucked away under a greying curly wig, I am a nobody. I am free.
As the hour of rendezvous rapidly approaches I brush all concerns away and from a distance survey my target’s exit.
1613: No sign.
1614: The disjointed clop of a sling-back.
1615: It is her.
She sees me five times as she looks up and down the street, but doesn’t clock, until an aghast face and: “Lauren, get to a Boots now. You look like a transvestite Mormon!” I guess there are just some missions that are out and out impossible. And mothers are one of them.
Mission accomplished.
-Bucket List magazine, June 2010
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